Written by Santiago Berisso
Medically reviewed by Paula Alvarez (Psychologist, Dance-Movement Therapist, Emotional Intelligence Specialist & Applied Neuroscience in the Educational Field Specialist)
Do you ever feel overwhelmed by requests, demands, or people crossing the line in your personal or professional life?
Maybe it’s a coworker’s constant behavior at work, a friend or family member who keeps asking for favors, or your boss sending messages after hours. These situations happen every day. If we don’t notice or address them, they pile up and leave us feeling drained, helpless, and convinced there’s nothing we can do.
But there is something we can do. The answer lies in learning how to set boundaries—and the key to that is assertive communication.
Why It’s Hard to Set Boundaries
One reason setting boundaries feels so difficult is because we’re used to reacting quickly. Our minds constantly scan for potential threats, and the list of situations that feel uncomfortable or intrusive can seem endless.
Instead of pausing to consider what we really think, feel, or want, we go into autopilot. It seems easier in the short term—but in the long run, avoiding the issue only hurts us more.
A healthier alternative starts with self-awareness. Before we expect others to respect our boundaries, we need to know our own limits and preferences.
The Role of Our Thoughts and Assumptions
Our minds are always working fast, making sense of the world. We constantly infer, guess, and interpret what’s happening around us—sometimes without even realizing it.
Every conversation, every interaction, goes through our personal mental filters. These filters are shaped by our beliefs, experiences, and assumptions.
The more layers of assumptions we add, the more likely it is that our interpretation of a situation will be skewed. For instance, if someone gives us feedback that doesn’t match how we see ourselves, do we pause to consider why—or do we jump to conclusions about their intentions?
This mental chatter can trap us in a loop, preventing us from taking clear action. Setting boundaries is, first and foremost, about making decisions on how we want to relate to others.
What Assertive Communication Really Means
Many people think assertiveness is simply knowing how to say “no.” But it’s much more nuanced than that. Studies show there are three basic communication styles:
- Passive Communication – We avoid expressing what we think or feel, giving in to others’ wishes, often to keep the peace.
- Aggressive Communication – We impose our own views without considering how others feel, leading to conflict or hurting others.
- Assertive Communication – We clearly and respectfully express our needs, opinions, and limits, while listening actively to the other person’s perspective.
Assertiveness is about finding a healthy balance. It means being honest and direct without being harsh, and respecting both our own needs and the needs of others.
Why Assertive Communication Matters
Here’s what assertiveness can help you achieve:
- Greater self-confidence – The clearer you are about your needs, the more secure you’ll feel.
- A better understanding of your own priorities – You’ll know what truly matters to you in different situations.
- Healthier professional relationships – Clarity and mutual respect strengthen teamwork and trust.
- Better conflict resolution – Assertiveness helps navigate disagreements without unnecessary tension.
- Practical solutions – It’s not about always agreeing, but about finding realistic alternatives that work for everyone.
- Reduced stress – Speaking up about your feelings relieves frustration and emotional pressure.
How to Practice Assertive Communication
Being assertive is a skill you can practice. Here’s how:
- Understand the Context and the Person
Before speaking up, ask yourself: Who am I talking to? What’s the context? How might their mental model differ from mine?
Remember: just because someone speaks forcefully doesn’t mean they’re right—or that you have to match their tone. Clarity, not volume, defines assertiveness.
- Be Clear and Specific
Instead of snapping with “Stop it!,” it’s far more effective to explain why a certain behavior bothers you, and how it makes you feel. For example:
“When you send me messages after work hours, I feel stressed because I need that time to disconnect. Could we keep these conversations within office hours unless it’s urgent?”
Or:
“I’d rather not talk about that topic right now because it makes me uncomfortable.”
- Speak in “I” Statements
Talk about how you feel and what you need, rather than accusing the other person. For instance:
- “I feel uncomfortable when…” instead of “You always…”
- “I need more time for…” instead of “You never let me…”
This lowers defensiveness and opens the door to constructive conversation.
- Offer Alternatives When Possible
Sometimes, setting a boundary involves saying “no” while still collaborating. For instance:
“I can’t take on this project right now, but I’d be happy to help you find someone else who can handle it.”
Showing willingness to help—even when declining—demonstrates both respect and initiative.
Real-Life Examples of Setting Boundaries
- In the workplace:
“I understand this is important, but I only handle urgent issues outside work hours. Can this wait until tomorrow?” - In social situations:
“I’d prefer not to talk about that right now. It’s a sensitive topic for me.” - With friends or family:
“I love you, but I can’t help with this right now. I need to focus on my own responsibilities.”
A Healthier Way Forward
Whether it’s dealing with hurtful behavior or refusing tasks you can’t realistically take on, setting boundaries is an opportunity for growth—not conflict.
How you communicate those limits will often determine the outcome. Being assertive doesn’t mean being harsh—it means being honest, clear, and respectful.
Speaking up for yourself doesn’t make you less kind—it makes you authentic. And authenticity is the foundation for healthier relationships, whether at home, at work, or in your social life.
